Reflections

I've been doing a lot of reflecting recently: reflecting at the end of the night, the end of the week, thinking about recent decisions in my life and long ago...

Depending on what time of day it is, my reflection can change.

Yesterday was filled with changes. I awoke in a somewhat tired state despite a good night of sleep. The workload was fairly light. We were working with plasters and paints as we have been all week. Even in a relatively short span of time, I found myself experiencing a broad range of feelings.

Frustration: figuring out formulas for mixtures of paint. I've never been good with formulas, following recipes or directions in general. I like to get my hands dirty.

Joy: sinking your hands into a bucket of clay plaster and slapping it (sometimes quite literally and liberally) all over a wall. Feeling every part of the material sliding off your trowel as if it were an extension of your own body.

Confusion: wondering why the plaster won't adhere on certain parts of the wall. Is it the curvature? Is it the texture? Did I apply it incorrectly?

Satisfaction: standing back for a minute and admiring what you've done. It looks perfect in this moment. The unevenness in color as the plaster or paint dries only adds to the experience.

Concern: returning to the same wall only an hour later and seeing cracks in the finish. Also confusion. We haven't figured out exactly what happened. We haven't found a solution just yet.

By no means was this a trying day. In fact, it was very rewarding to me at this point. The day was not over, either.

Annoyance: having a sit down with everyone in the class to discuss the future. Going in, I didn't want to do it because I didn't know what I was going to say, but I was completely honest, as we all should be. I still have no idea exactly what lies ahead for me. In the end, I'm glad we talked.

Fear: the fear of the unknown. I've learned so much, but don't know what to do with the knowledge.

Relief: saying it out loud to a group of people was more relaxing than I imagined it would be. I won't say comforting, but relaxing nonetheless.

Acceptance: hearing that there are other people feeling the same way you do and being strangely alright with the feeling. This came as a surprise for the most part.

Fatigue: mental exhaustion, for the most part. By this point, it was 10:45 PM Pacific time. I'd been awake since about 6:30 AM.

Some friends had started a campfire some time ago. I couldn't just go to bed without at least making an appearance. Why? Because.

Disappointment: in myself. I pulled out my guitar as I often do, then put it back in the case, saying to Chantelle "I just don't have the energy to play tonight." Then a strange thing happened.

Appreciation: feeling good vibes from other humans around the confines of the fire pit, and also for their talents.

Energy: like that of a burning fire, but within me. It took some time, but suddenly a switch flipped, I grabbed a guitar and music just started flowing out of me.

Synergy: 15 or so people uniting in song and verse. It wasn't continuous. It ebbed and flowed. But it flowed enough that I got to a point where I honestly felt like I could keep playing all night.

Contentment: around 1:45 AM, we decided to call it quits, and I went to bed happy.

As I do one more reflection by re-reading this journal entry, I realize that sometimes I adventure to some far extremes in my own mind. I'm alright with that. It's part of who I am. I'm learning more and more these days that even though I really enjoy getting caught up in the moment, I gain more appreciation when I reflect on those moments.

Of course my reflection was much different when I woke up at 6:30 this morning to cook breakfast, but that's another story...